Europe prepares itself for all-out war with Russia

Are you prepared?

Europe needs to brace itself for the possibility of a general war with Russia by 2030 at the latest. As such, its preparedness strategy is timely and important. Focus on crisis and population preparedness is central to the success of this strategy. Ukraine has offered vital support.

On 26 March, the European Commission published its Preparedness Union Strategy, which aims to anticipate, prevent and respond to major crises from biohazards to cyber-warfare. But after three years of devastating conflict in Ukraine, the strategy also points to the need to prepare for the possibility of a general war with Russia by 2030.

There are three prongs to the strategy. Firstly prevention, and how to avoid a war. Secondly crisis response, ensuring the institutions of Europe have the internal capabilities to reorient business activities to a wartime footing at a moment’s notice. Finally, population preparedness, to ensure citizens can govern their actions in the first 72 hours after a war starts.

Prevention

The European Commission has reaffirmed its position that Russia presents a clear and present threat to the European continent, including those parts the Russians occupy today and any additional parts they occupy tomorrow, next week or in a year from now. The best way to prevent future conflict with Russia is to exact a price, remove blank cheques, close all doors while leaving them open to a possible reconciliation at some future point in the past. In the interim, sanctions remain the best and proven approach to prevent Russian imperialist expansion. Having consulted widely with partners and with the democratically elected President of Ukraine, the Commission has initiated further work on additional measures and sanctions designations, including of Russian persons already sanctioned, and Russian companies that don’t yet exist.

President Ursula von der Leyen has made it clear that sanctions against Russia should remain until that country has withdrawn to its preexisting borders of 1891.

Crisis preparedness

All Member States will be able to access a special Emergency Revenue Acceleration Loan Partnership Framework Doctrine Package Toolkit, that will enable them to invest their additional mandated Voluntary Surged European Contributions in a timely way, to ensure this year’s contribution prepares them for last year’s war.

Preparing for war with Russia is going to be expensive. The total cost of this strategy is estimated, to be €200 billion, €140 billion of which will go towards anti-missile erections with the remaining capital turbo-accelerated into vital programmatic evidence-based research programmes. Twenty percent will be unallocated, to allow for creep flex in preliminary budget estimates and volatile real estate prices in Chamonix.

Given the risk of missile strikes on European Union buildings, all staff will receive training in what are being called the Leyen low principals. In a high-stakes crisis exercise, Brussels-based staff convened in a specially reinforced committee room for forty eight hours, exploring every available response to Russian attacks and leaving absolutely nothing on the table.

The European Central Bank will print an additional €500 billion to lend to Brussels to buy munitions from Germany to give to Ukraine, via Syria through Montenegro, to bolster ongoing war efforts, that focus on bringing peace through more war.

Population preparedness

The European Commission will go to great lengths to ensure that its citizens are both protected from the meaning of war and, if possible, its consequences, recognising the challenging nature of the modern hybrid geo-political landscape context perspective. When war comes, citizens may need to play their part and pay the price, in the certain knowledge that officials will be right behind them, even if at several hundred kilometres removed.

In a whole of integrated community mobilisation response to ensure we all feel Union Prepared, European citizens above the age of twelve will HENCEFORTH!!! be expected to wear standard uniforms, comprising olive green t-shirts and military style fatigues. These uniforms are declarations of identity, more than uniforms. It is therefore hoped that all citizens will comply with their use, not least as each uniform cost €20,000 euros from a reliable factory somewhere near Kryvyi Rih (we know someone on the Ukrainian side, who got us a crack, sorry, cracking good deal).

The European Commission recognises the disruption and concern these requirements may induce in European citizens. With the kind assistance of President Zelensky, Ukrainian staff will be posted on every street corner to assist citizens with concerns or anxieties.

A complementary vanity bag will be gifted to everyone for use on a voluntary basis and citizens are expected to have this on their person at all times, or face on-the-street personal self-reflection time. Kindly sponsored by the Ukrainian Ministry of Public Information and True Stories and Narratives for Total Victory Against the Imperialist Horde the bag will include black hair dye, faux face stubble and gravelly voice stimulants, to confuse occupying orcs about your true identity.

Any citizens with mobility issues or other concerns related to a lack of moral fibre, can receive or be courtesy carried at a small extra charge, to a nearby bus destined for helpful and comforting moral reequipping centres for absolute and certain victory, known hitherto as ‘wellbeing centres’. The scale of logistical endeavour to lay on this preparedness shuttle wellness express is said to cost an arm and a leg, and that’s only if you survive.

Citizens can opt to pay a €100,000 one-off and totally discreet payment not to wear the uniform and undergo the training, but given affordability issues, please ask bandermeisters, sorry, wellbeing officers at the training centres, as they may be able to negotiate a different rate. Keep it quiet though, as you wouldn’t want to make others jealous, or get anyone in trouble. These are dangerous times, after all.

In the event of citizens being caught out during the hours of darkness and are confronted by vigilant wellbeing staff, they should use the standard identification code phrase, ‘I am a pee-pee pianist.’

Thank you for your attention. And just remember, no one wants peace more than the European Union.

Happy 1^st of April.